Southern Charm and Witty Repartee

Southern Fightin' Style

2007-09-18T19:15:00.000-04:00

It's a well known fact that in America Southerners are the toughest, meanest fighting sumbitches around. Even the scrawniest Southerner can, and will, lay a whoopin' on the biggest yankee (northern or western) any time of the day. Don't believe me? Here's some proof, son:

Georgia Man Dies After Armless Man Headbutts Him During Fight

How 'bout that! Ha! That. Shit. Just. Happened.

Where else would that crap happen? I bet the armless dude wasn't wearing a shirt either.

A Little Reflection

2007-08-08T09:31:00.000-04:00

Please excuse the random tone of this rant . . .

In light of the 'accomplishment' of Barry Bonds' 'surpassing' Henry Aaron's career homerun mark, let's remember some of the game's true heroes. There are many in the game's history who have not put up the numbers the numbers that Barry Bonds has, but who have contributed to the game in ways that Bonds never will; men such as Ozzie Smith, Andre Dawson, and Dale Murphy. How about men who put up big numbers such as Tony Gwynn, Henry Aaron, Ted Williams, and Cal Ripken, Jr.? Tyrus Raymond Cobb, Lou Gherig?

To be fair, baseball has had its share of players who were of questionable character. Hell, even those who argue that Ty Cobb was can't argue that he played the game (even with a stab wound) with passion and gave his team (and the game) everything that he had. Can we say the same about Bonds?

While the baseball writers hail Barry Bonds as the 'home run king,' I believe that true fans of the game will never recognize him as such. Our one consolation is that it looks like he will never win a championship.

Go to hell Barry. You're a disgrace to the game.

A Great Day In History

2007-06-06T20:43:00.000-04:00

Today is the anniversary of D-Day but it is also the birthday of my best friend Joe. So, even though no one reads this crapblog, I want to wish my buddy a happy birthday. He's an awesome friend and anyone who says any different will get their eye gouged out with a plastic fucking spoon(or whatever is close to me at the time). Happy birthday Joe. Two great days in history.

I Hope None of That Got On His Car

2007-05-24T14:35:00.000-04:00

Dear criminals of America,

As you are out and about rhymin' and stealin', robbing, car-jacking, etc., etc., there are some things you should remember:

1-You should not rob people. It's just wrong.
2-You should not attempt to steal anyone's car. Ever. (Especially after they just washed it)
3-You should not try to rob an armed man with an unloaded weapon. Or a baseball bat.
4-Criminals are bad shots, but concealed carry permit holders are not. (Because we practice)
5-Getting shot not only hurts but once you have been shot you may die.

That is all the free advice for today. Eat it whores.

What is this Karma you speak of?

2007-05-24T14:02:00.000-04:00

This is the story of a man. A very stupid man. A jackass piece of shit man. A dead man. This fooohl tried to kill his woman by parking his vehicle on the train tracks and getting out of the vehicle while leaving the woman inside. Seems like a solid theory since trains tend to win the car versus train fight. Karma can be a bitch sometimes though as this jackass found out when the train pushed the vehicle into the moron and killed him while the woman survived. Yes! Eat it whores.

Enjoy The Wheelchair, Jackass

2007-05-09T11:14:00.000-04:00

Awesome story of some dumbshit vandal that was tipping over headstones in a cemetary when he got what he deserves: TWO BROKEN LEGS! Yes!! I love dumb criminal stories that end in a painfull lesson for some moron. Eat it whores.

Number Two with A Bullet

2007-05-09T10:55:00.000-04:00

I always tell people, who have never read Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand, about the Library of Congress poll that listed the Holy Bible as the only book to be considered more influential than Rand's celebrated masterpiece. Here is a nice article about the book now in it's 50th year. Enjoy whores. AND READ THE FUCKING BOOK!

Another One Bites The Dust.....

2007-05-09T10:47:00.000-04:00

The state of Tennessee executed a convicted cop killer early this morning. Yay! After 25 YEARS in prison and numerous appeals including the old standby "it's not humane" ( a bullshit arguement if there ever was one) they finally killed the sumbitch. About time. Who's next?

Sometimes Life Throws You Lemons

2007-05-07T23:15:00.000-04:00

For the few of you who may possibly care, have compassion, or get a laugh at my expense, let me give you a brief rundown of the past 1 1/2 weeks of my life.

1. I become covered in poison ivy
2. I get really sick
3. My house gets burglarized
4. I lose my scholarship for some bureaucratic reason

So is this where I tell you that I am going to make lemonade? Well, the first two reasons, no. Not much I can do about that. #4? I can appeal, perhaps call my state representative, or perhaps pay my tuition out of pocket. Hey, only two more semesters and I'm finished anyway. But #3? Possibly.

I have good reason to suspect that the person (s) who burglarized my house was (were) associated either directly or indirectly to my cockroach-low rent-ghetto rat neighbors. The kind of neighbors who really give the neighborhood a real face lift when they move in. I guess the reason that I am writing this is so that I don't do what I feel like doing. Look, I study history. I have to read all day about social class stratification and all of this crap about how the middle class flees when the poor start moving into their neighborhoods. Many will argue that there is a racial component in the mix. In many instances I will agree. I guess that my point is that you can read, study, sympathize, even try to understand why things are the way that they are and come to some "enlightened" conclusion about the state of our society. For me, I was almost there. I sit with my nose in a book listening to an academic turn "stealing" into "removing items" from someone's home as a way for a marginalized member of society to assert their place in white middle-class society. Yeah, I was almost there until our house was burglarized and things that we worked hard for, things which we used to try to better ourselves were stolen. I wonder how many people that write some of this crap live in the type neighborhoods that they discuss in their research.

Now I will make lemonade: We get new computers. The moron who robbed us took one computer that was 2 years old and another that was over 4 years old; they left the power chords to both computers; they stole from someone who doesn't easily forget, believes in retribution, and believes that contrary to mainstream moral consensus, not all human life is sacred. In fact, many people who are alive today should probably be sterilized because of the damage they can potentially do to humanity by their procreation.

With that being said, and although I am still fairly angry about the situation, I am grateful that nothing worse happened. Whoever broke into our house was decent enough to not hurt our dog. Hopefully no one that I know will have to experience this sort of thing. I am still seething at the thought of some cockroach imposing his vile existence in our home. However, as a very wise woman whom I know says: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a long wooden spoon. I'm out.

Hypocrites In High Places

2007-04-30T14:38:00.000-04:00

Man, it must be nice to have friends in high places to help you skirt the law. I wonder if someone who didn't work for a United States Senator or didn't have a Governor for a father could do things like this and get off without so much as a slap on the wrist?

I think it is clear these incidents were honest mistakes but there have been many documented cases where other people who were less connected made similar mistakes with very different outcomes. Politicians think they are better than us and they shouldn't have to follow the same rules. What happened to the mainstream media on these stories? There seems to be a noticeable lack of coverage. The Senator Webb aide story was covered but the dismissal of charges seems to be completely unnoticed. The only ones indeed. Damn.

Come and get them

2007-04-27T13:14:00.000-04:00

I can't stand whiny, sissy, snooty ass europeans. Damn. Just shut up already. Great Britian is ok, but the rest of europe seems to have become a bunch of countries who would rather give up than fight. They pay terrorists to return their kidnapped citizens and beg them not to do it again. They never learn. Of course half of this country doesn't learn either. There will always be people who would rather talk endlessly, without success, than get involved and do something. If it were not for the U.S.of A. and Great Britian, the rest of the world would be run like China and Cuba. Try finding a Lexus there.

So some jackass judge in another surrender country is trying to indict some United States soldiers. This happens every once in a while and this time some spanish judge has tried (again) to indict U.S. military personnel on alleged "international crimes". International crimes? International crimes? That's bullshit. The U.S. military investigated the incident and decided everythink was kosher. That's all you need to know europe. How 'bout you tackle that 10% unemployment rate? Let us handle the security and the killing of bad guys. You want these U.S. soldiers so bad, why don't you come and get them asshole. Grow a pair and quit blaming the people fighting the terrorists for killing dumbass journalists who shouldn't have been in the middle of a war where you can get killed. A smarter person would have known that. Europeans = Pussies. Eat it whores.

Criminal Masterminds

2007-04-27T12:01:00.000-04:00

I read this article a while back and forgot to blog about it but it still makes me smile so here goes. Some super-genuis named Gregory Daniels teamed up with another mental giant (not named at this time) to steal an ATM machine. The pair used a truck and a chain to rip the machine from its location inside of a local market. The duo then drove away as the police chased them into a residential area and drove down a dead end street. Daniels' accomplice fled on foot and escaped the police but Daniels did not. Here is why:

"Daniels was on the ground near the vehicle in an attempt to flee from officers," Sgt. E. Vazquez said. "However, he was unsuccessful, as his prosthetic leg fell off."

Wow. How fucking awesome is that? Yes! His leg fell the fuck off!! Moron criminals rock! Damn.

EscarBlow

2007-04-27T11:36:00.000-04:00

Every day I see some reason to think this world is doomed. People are crazy stupid. This article details the story of a mining company in New Zealand that has reportedly lost over 22 million dollars because of a "rare" snail that inhabits a local coal mine. Snails? Really? Come on. First, what the fuck do snails do anyway? Is there any purpose to the nasty, slimy little bastards? Second, if there have been over 5300 of these snails found in the mines then how "rare" and "endangered" can they be? Why should we care if snails are endangered anyway? If these snails can't survive in the wild shouldn't they be allowed to become extinct? Or maybe if we forget about them they will adapt to their environment like other species of animals have been doing for thousands of years. Jeez. Are snails more important than humans who need coal to heat their homes or to run factories that make products that we all want and need? Are snails more important than humans? Peta may think so, but I don't. Fuck snails. Damn.

Conflicted

2007-04-26T14:03:00.000-04:00

A sad fact of life is that people die every day. People die of many different causes, some that are preventable and some that aren't. Some people believe when it's your time to go, then it's just your time to go. When I read or hear about someone that died while riding a motorcycle, I am particularly saddened because I am a motorcyclist myself. I am also a dog lover and not terribly fond of cats. I don't hate cats, but I do believe they are chick pets and guys who are 'cat people' rather than 'dog people' have something wrong with them. Maybe they're too in touch with their feminine side, I don't know.

So, I'm conflicted about how I should react to this story. Some of you don't like to follow the links so I will summarize the story for all two readers of this crapblog. A man is riding his motorcycle when he has a wreck and is killed. This is sad. Here's where it gets interesting. The man was a veterinarian who specialized in all things cat. He was some kind of cat expert. Appearing on tv shows about cats, writing books on cats, talking non-stop about cats apparently. Where's the confliction, you ask? The man died after swerving to avoid hitting a cat in the street. That's how he wrecked his motorcycle and died. Dude, hit the fucking cat! You died for a fucking cat? Come on. Just Damn.

Nuts and Gun Nuts

2007-04-26T11:25:00.000-04:00

Sometimes Ann Coulter is way over the top and very abrasive. Sometimes she's dead on point. This column is pretty good in my opinion. Screw everyone else's.

Under the Influence Philosophy

2007-04-25T19:21:00.000-04:00

I realized something that sounds simple and cliche but may be one the most true statements ever made: Life is hard. Everyone must have one of those moments where you wonder "why am I doing this?". You start to question what your goals are for your life or some kind of idea how you'd like it to go. I mean, what are you working toward? What keeps you going? What stops you from checking out? Hitting the Rounds Reset on life. Just fucking giving up. Are a few happy moments here and there enough? What comes in between? What keeps you grounded? Ultimately (and hopefully) its having great friends and family that you can rely on to help. Because life will always throw you some sick, ungodly, breaking curveball to fuck you up. Life is hard. Damn.

Buy a Dictionary, Jackasses.

2007-04-11T14:06:00.000-04:00

People in this country need a dictionary. Either that or they just need to get their collective heads removed from their asses. I get so tired of people who don't know what the fuck they're talking about so they just parrot what others have said without even finding out for themselves what is true and what is not. The mainstream media makes it so much worse in my opinion (like anyone else's matters). I regularly read news stories and opinion pieces that contain lies and/or distortions of the truth. I make that distinction because apparently there are a lot of people who don't know the meanings of a great number of very common English words. This is especially common with demo-rats, socialists, commie-pinkos, journalists, etc. If you fit one of those categories take notice because I'm about to give you a free lesson on how to use a fucking dictionary so we can learn the proper usage for many common political 'buzz words'.

First, go to a bookstore and buy a fucking dictionary. Any major publisher will work.

Second, open up the dictionary and look up the following commonly misused words:

*Racist
*Bigot
*Sex
*Lie/Liar
*Marriage
*Democracy
*Is (a Clinton favorite)
*Censorship
*Perjury
*Dictator
*Illegal
*Impeach/Impeachment

Read the definitions of these words and try to figure out how they could commonly be misused. That should be a good starting point for those of you who don't understand why good ole President Bill Clinton was impeached for 'getting a blow job' and that 'evil' George W. Bush hasn't been impeached for that 'illegal' war in Iraq to remove that 'peaceful dictator' that never hurt anyone in his 'democracy' filled country.

I'll have some more tips later. I don't want to overload anyone with too much information at one time. Those 'government schools' don't like any competition.

Corporal Dunham gets a destroyer

2007-03-23T19:51:00.000-04:00

Previously we all discussed the unparalleled bravery, courage and sacrifice of Marine Corporal Jason Dunham, Medal of Honor recipient. The Navy has decided to name a fast attack destroyer after Jason. Awesome. The U.S. government does get a few things right. This is a really cool thing and an unprecedented honor to bestow upon the young Corporal because it's only been three years since he died. It usually takes former United States Presidents about 20 years to get a ship named after them. So good job to the Navy and congratulations to the Dunham family for raising a son that grew into a man that all Americans can and should honor. Jason Dunham is a man that should be remembered. Hopefully this destroyer will be destroying stuff for a long time and people will remenber and honor his name. Hooah.

Single Brain Cell Parents

2007-03-10T12:03:00.000-05:00

I noticed something lately about people who are single parents and really about both parents no matter who has full custody. Ignorant pride. Yeah, it's good to be proud of yourself for accomplishing certain things in life. Things you should be proud of, moron. I see people who boast about being a single parent and how stubbornly, ingnorantly proud they are too. Like they worked real hard to fuck someone without using birth control and conceived a child that neither party planned or wants. Yeah, that's some awesome fucking logic fucktard.

Being a single parent isn't anything to be proud of because you failed dumbass. You failed the relationship that spawned the child and you failed the child by not providing two full time parents. Be proud of being a good parent, but not a single parent. There is a difference. Don't brag about how hard you work as a single parent and how tough life is as a single parent. Just be a good parent to your child and don't fucking teach them that being a single parent is an ideal situation to be raising children. The ideal situation is to have two parents, living together, raising children together. It's ok that you fucked up, everyone fucks up sometime. But don't try to turn it around like you are some fucking hero parent who toughs it out by going through raising your child alone. You are not a fucking hero, shitbird. So shut up about that shit and put some shoes on that kid.

Eat it whores.

February's Post

2007-02-28T17:37:00.000-05:00

I didn't want the month of February to pass without at least one posting. So here it is whores. It's not funny, or entertaining but no one reads this shite anyway so fuck it. And fuck all rules of grammer and spelling. Eat it.

Always Faithful

2007-01-12T18:22:00.000-05:00

Yesterday President Bush honored a fallen Marine posthumously with the highest award a member of the United States military can receive. The Congressional Medal of Honor. Marine Corporal Jason Dunham earned the reward for saving the lives of several Marines by throwing himself on top of a live grenade. People tend to lose sight of the meaning of some words and phrases and take for granted the sacrifice of others. This man threw himself on top of a fucking grenade knowing full well that his action would most likely be his last but also that it would save his buddies. Wow. This isn't some fucking movie or story in some book, this is real. This man traded his life for someone else's life. You can't buy that kind of devotion. You can't put a price on that kind of sacrifice, loyalty, and courage. This man is another reminder of just how special our country is and how special the men and women who fight to keep it safe for the rest of us are. Thanks Jason, I don't know what else to say. Thanks.

Get Back In The Kitchen Woman

2007-01-06T12:16:00.000-05:00

Science has proven what we men have been saying for years: "A woman's place is in the home". A new study has shown that women who do housework reduce their risk of breast cancer. Wow. This just feels right, doesn't it? So it is good for women to clean house and probably just to be safe cook some dinner too. Thank you Mr. Scientist, you rock. Now which one of you bitches wants to come clean my fucking house? For your health, of course.

Gasoline Burns and Other Fun Facts

2007-01-06T12:03:00.000-05:00

Been a little slack on the blog postings (not that anyone notices) so this story is a couple weeks old but still really fucking amusing. It seems some brilliant Nigerians have a history of rupturing gasoline pipelines to steal the gasoline flowing through their shit country. Apparently the dumbasses forgot the GASOLINE BURNS AND WILL FUCKING EXPLODE! So, a whole shitload of genius theives got burned the fuck up. I mean come on jackasses! What were you going to do with the gas anyway? Your donkey doesn't run on gas stupid. Just like the rest of African nations the people running this shithole country have fucked the whole country to hell and back. Nigeria is the largest oil producing nation in Africa but corruption and mismanagement have caused shortages for the big-brained Nigerians who want fuel. Way to go Africa! Way to use the most abundant collections of natural resources on the planet to keep your brothers and sisters down! Yes! Africans are smart! Get with it jackasses, buy a flyswatter and a bar of soap and do work. Eat it whores.

Rock versus Gun?

2006-12-26T13:28:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well. Every so often there is a story of some border jumper throwing rocks at the United States Border Patrol. Most of the time the genius rock thrower gets away as he runs back across the border into his own country. Sometimes, though, the jackass rock thrower gets a little justice from an unhappy Border Agent. This is one of those times. Apparently this is happening increasingly more often and apparently U.S. law enforcement don't like it too damn much. This brain surgeon hit a Border Patrol officer with a rock in the freaking head. Border Patrol Agent is not pleased and returns fire with his weapon and rock thrower dies. Nice. How many alien invaders must be shot and killed before they figure out that the only times rock wins is when some dumbass throws down the scissors? Rock don't beat rifle, fucktard. Yeah, eat it.

I'll Bring The Marshmallows

2006-12-23T14:27:00.000-05:00

The next time some jackass piece of shit decides to set himself on fire after burning a Christmas tree and an American flag, he should call me because a little more planning and the job could have been completed. The pussy ass flag burning, Christian hating, bag of fuck should have let someone know and we could have kept the fire extenguishers away and just had an old fashioned marshmallow roast. Maybe make some motherfucking smores. Yeah, I like smores. But I hate commie assheads. Rot in hell shitbag. Oh, and Merry Christmas!

More Than Meets The Eye

2006-12-21T18:49:00.000-05:00

If you are a guy who grew up in the 80's there are some cool ass toys that have just been made into a movie. The Transformers. Good news? I'm not sure yet but I know it looks very interesting, could be really cool. The Transformers were some cool ass toys. All kinds of cars, trucks, planes, tanks, motorcycles, and other cool shit that turn into freaking robots and fight each other. How fucking cool is that? Yeah, so maybe the movie will be cool or it will suck shit. The trailer is kind of weird to me because they pull that crap where they don't show the Transformers clearly. They camera pans away or the screen goes dark and another image appears. Its kinda bullshit, but I guess its supposed to suspensfull, mysterious marketing shite. So, the trailer is here at WWTD (which is a fucking hilarious site).

The Worst Nightmare Ever.

2006-12-18T21:12:00.000-05:00

Scary shit. I read this article about some woman who has some rare disease that may be the most horrible sickness ever imagined. Is it some terrible flesh eating bacteria? No. Is it some kind of deadly slow killing virus? Is it something that makes you shit your pants uncontrollably? No. This rare disease has caused this woman to believe she is French. NOOOOO! Not that! How could this be! What kind of sick ass disease is this? Is this some twisted fucking joke? I can't even begin to imagine worse shit than waking up and thinking I was French. I would hammer a No.2 pencil, eraser first, up my fucking nose just to try and erase the thought from my disease ridden brain. Of course I wouldn't succeed because I would think I was French and would involuntarily surrender before anyone got hurt. Wow. I almost feel sorry for the dumb bitch. But she did live in France for a time. Dumbass.
Reap it whore.

A good time at the Waffle House

2006-12-12T21:59:00.000-05:00

Wow! This is an amazing, incredible story of ignorant jackassery at its motherfucking finest. Yeah, come on!

For those who like everything summarized for them, this crazy bitch tries to light a cigarette with a pistol and hilarity ensues! But back up a second, hoss. This chick was already on a white trash roll. As far as I can decifer from the poorly written article, the fun started at a local Waffle House (I know, really) where said crazy chick slapped some guy in the face three times(once is never enough with you women) for inappropriately touching her from behind. Several witnesses deny seeing anyone touch The Crazy One's rear. So apparently Crazy gets arrested and released a short time later.

After the Waffle House altercation and catch and release by the cops, Crazy goes to stay with some friends at the local 'Best Western' where crazy tries to light a cigarette with what she believes is one of them there fancy pistol shaped lighters that one finds in high class truck stops across America. But guess what Crazy? That lighter isn't shaped like a pistol, it is a pistol. A .22 caliber pistol that if used in the same fashion as a lighter will shoot a bullet through your motherfucking hand, dumbass! Yeah! Nice move, slick. Of course this happened in Georgia. Thanks, you crazy bitch, we needed the good publicity. Damn. Eat it whores.

Remember when Americans were tough?

2006-12-11T18:39:00.000-05:00

Rules of engagement. Simplified to the most basic of answers. That is the reason that America has not completely triumphed in Iraq. The United States of America has the greatest, most badass military in the world and there is not one single conflict that could not be won if our people were not saddled with the spineless majority of Americans holding them back. When World War II was fought, our country got behind the men of our armed services and supported the war effort and the men fighting the war. Now, half the country whines like pussy ass bed-wetters and are more worried about the rights of the enemy than the lives of the men and women who stand up for their right to be pathetic ass commie lovers. Don't believe me? The patriots at Blackfive have some advice for the American public straight from the source. The men and women with boots on the ground. Read it here.

Someone We Should Know

2006-12-07T18:10:00.000-05:00

One of my daily read sites is the highly informative mil-blog site Blackfive. It is a really cool site with a great group of contributors from different branches of the U.S. military. Periodically Blackfive has a feature titled "Someone you should know" and it tells the story of someone in the military that should be recognized and heralded for their actions. There are some very fucking impressive stories and this one is among the best and most impressive. If you bothered to read this far, click the fucking link and read the tale of Marine First lieutenant Brian Chontosh because it is inspiring and courageous and you owe him a couple minutes. Brian Chontosh kills people who want to kill you. Take the time to learn about a brave Marine that we should all give our heartfelt thanks. The short version starts here: "and out the door Brian Chontosh bailed, carrying an M16 and a Beretta and 228 years of Marine Corps pride." Brian continues on to kill 20 or so terrorists and wound as many or more who were attacking his platoon's convoy. Wow. Brave or crazy (maybe a little of both - he is a Marine) this is some crazy badass shit. Brian was awarded the Navy Cross, which is the second highest combat award the U.S. Navy has to offer. Awesome. This is someone we should all know. One of the many stories you will never hear on the nightly news. There are good things to be reported, it's too bad the mainstream media outlets aren't doing more of these kinds of stories. The men and women serving in a warzone for our country deserve the recognition they are proudly earning. Thanks Brian. You definitely rock.

A day which will live in Infamy

2006-12-07T09:05:00.000-05:00

Today is Pearl Harbor Day. On December 7, 1941 the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor without provocation and awakened the sleeping giant. Two thousand four hundred Americans died in the attack. A lot of people don't realize how many people died that day and many don't even know today is Pearl Harbor Day. The great Winston Churchill said after the attack: "so we have won after all!". Churchill knew that since the Japanese had attacked the U.S.A the war would escalate and with the Americans help all was not lost, because Americans kick some motherfucking ass! Americans should never forget and should take a moment to remember the brave men and women who fought in World War II defeating the evil axis powers.

Ho, Ho, Ho

2006-12-04T17:14:00.001-05:00

Well, I guess its that time of year where people feel guilty about the way they live and decide to "adopt" a family or some other generous act. I will tell you that I think it is bullshit. If it is so important to give and be generous during the "Holiday Season," then why not give the rest of the fucking year. Don't get me wrong, I think that charity can be a good thing, I just take exception to this "give from the heart" rhetoric that runs rampant every year. Fuck you--if we were truly giving from the heart, then why is it only during Christmas and Thanksgiving that we do?

As such, I am content to remain a complete fucking prick yet again this season. I will remain true to my pledge of loathing the rest of humanity all year. However angry and bitter this may sound to you, I will only say that I am being a fucking jerk for the right reason--BECAUSE THAT IS WHO I AM.

FUCK OFF.

Reasons NOT To Get Married

2006-11-29T18:15:00.000-05:00

This isn't targeted toward anyone in particular. I just get tired of people asking about relationships and marriage just because everyone else is gettin' hitched. I hate the fact that people worry about someone else getting married or settling down. I got news for you; I think married people are the fools. It seems to me that only a small percentage of married people are truly happy. I wonder how many were happier being single. I'm sure that marriage is hard work. But exactly how hard should it be? When do you decide to throw in the towel? Marriage is fine for the small number of people who marry the one person they really want to spend the rest of their lives with. That is the exception, not the norm. I think divorce rates in this country prove my point. So, I thought I would present some of my reasons not to get married, as a public service, because I like to help people. Some might say I'm a people person. Yeah, I guess some people could say that. They would be dead fucking wrong, but it could be said. Here we go:

1-Face it, you're just gonna' get divorced later. The divorce rates in this country are astronomical. You can't beat the odds.

2-Did you ever like to go to baseball/football/hockey/soccer/basketball games,racing events,bars,strip clubs,golfing,etc. with your friends? Not anymore. Now she makes all the plans for you. Weddings, showers, parties, all to attended by you in an attempt to bore you to fucking death. Or render you sterile. Women use husbands like a gotdamn accessory.

3-The kid comes next. They almost always want one of those. Now you don't even have time for internet porn.

4-Two chicks at one time. It could still happen, dude. Don't give up on the dream, just yet.

5-Being a bachelor is an old, proud tradition that takes hard work (especially with the chicks throwing themselves at you) but damn it, someone has to do it. Don't be a quitter.

6-Don't you want to be the old, single, and therefore slightly creepy, uncle one day?

7-We are men. We shouldn't be tied to one woman. We aren't wired that way. We are meant to spread our seed far and wide.

8-When you're the single guy, all your married friends will leave any marriage contraband at your house. Anything that may need to be hidden from the ball and chain: porn, drugs, weapons, bank statements, little black book, whatever. You know you can't keep that stuff at home, because she goes through your shit. Trust me.

9-No in-laws.

10-No 'Honey Do Lists'. Fuck, I hate that shit. I hate the fucking concept and I would like to skull-fuck the asshole who came up with that idea. I mean, fuck you, you suck ass. The first time some woman gives me a list, she'll be asking me: "Honey, do you realize you've put all my clothes into a black garbage bag and thrown them onto the fucking lawn?"

11-The ride. Whatever your pleasure. Two wheels or four. Inboard or outboard. Doesn't matter what it is, but guys need a ride. A motorcycle, sports car, muscle car, boat, snowmobile, something mechanical and powerful that gives you a feeling of freedom and stress-free exhilaration. Even if you are with other guys, you and you alone are in charge of your ride. Married men are forced to either abandon their rides or share their rides. Some guys may enjoy sharing their rides. There is a word for those guys. We call them 'pussy'.

Eat it whores

The Holidays

2006-11-27T13:20:00.000-05:00

Fuck you. I hate the holidays. I got bitten by a shitty fucking dog 3 times this weekend.

My life is killing me slowly. I prayed that I would choke on a piece of turkey this weekend and be spared from the holiday misery. Once again, another prayer unanswered.

At least I am being proved right about something. I have said for the past 5 years that Michael Vick is not a capable leader to bring the Falcons to championship level. He just hasn't done the job and I am pretty sure that he won't.

Stop reading my fucking post before I hit you in the neck with a pipewrench. You probably aren't reading it anyway, so you better read it before I hit you in the neck with a pipewrench. Don't make my postings become regular death threats.

Shit,

PocoPinga

Let the Big Dawg Eat

2006-11-26T11:53:00.000-05:00

The SEC football conference of the NCAA is proud of being consistently one of the toughest in college football. The Georgia Bulldogs showed why last night. The team that is predicted to be this year's ACC champion got beat by the unranked Dawgs, who are in a rebuilding year. The ACC is crap. Clemson, Florida State Criminoles, Tech, all got beat by SEC teams. Sending the person tech calls a QB, reggie ball, home 0-4 and out the door, is a beautiful thing. When will the ACC learn? If you can't run with the big Dawgs, better stay on the porch. Eat it reggie.

I Don't Reward Stupidity

2006-11-17T14:42:00.000-05:00

In our daily lives, the goings to and fro, interactions with people personally and professionally we face stupidity. There's an old poker saying "If you can't spot the sucker at the table, you're the sucker". If you think you don't face stupidity ever day, you can skip this blog because you are the stupid one.

Everyone deals with stupidity differently, I'm sure. Me, I have a policy of not rewarding stupidity. I deal with my fair share of dumbasses daily. This may sound petty, but I don't treat stupid people the same as reasonably intelligent people who put on their pants before their shoes. I decided that if someone is a dumbass, I should treat them like one. I try to teach stupid people lessons about stupidity. I'm a teacher, that's what I am. I help the less fortunate morons. Hell, I'm practically a gotdamn saint. Examples?

When stupid people call me on the phone, I try to teach them to be smarter, more productive members of society. If someone calls my business and asks a dumb question, I politely explain why that question isn't valid and also offer alternative questions that would better suit the situation involving their dumbass self. Some people appreciate being taught what they should or should not be concerned with when inquiring about automotive service. I'm happy to do it, most of the time. But my good nature changes when people don't listen to me or ignore me after asking a dumbass question. Being stupid isn't a crime, but not wanting to learn should be punishable by death. With a fucking machete. So, I don't reward stupidity. Stupid people don't get special considerations, or extra help and advice, benefits and perks only available to those that aren't fucktards. Dumbasses don't get their car finished first, or an extra few minutes making sure everything is perfect, or the priveledge of stopping by without an appointment for quick bulb replacements or tires repaired while you wait. That's for smart people. People that listen and pay attention.

If you are driving down the road and you see a sign announcing a lane merger ahead, and some jackass waits until the last possible second to merge and then wants you to let them in front of you, do you reward them? For being a dumbass, or for being an asshole? Don't reward stupidity. If you see some jackass on a cell phone going slow as shit in the fast lane, let them know. A nice loud honk of the horn for 5-10 seconds does wonders. That's a long time, try it. People all around will look and if the person has any fucking sense and any shame they will correct their actions after being admonished publicly. Any dumbass on the road is only encouraged and emboldened by society not calling them on their shitass actions.

So, when you encounter a dumbass, idiot, moron doing something stupid, let them know. If possible offer alternate actions that don't make you want to strangle the retard in question. Teach dumbasses that stupidity is not to be rewarded.
Eat it whores.

A Word of Advice for Shitty Drivers

2006-11-16T14:01:00.001-05:00

What ever happened to integrity? I am driving on the highway this afternoon when I decide to make a lane change. Using my turn signal (yes cars have them)I proceed to shift lanes when a gentlemen decides to switch lanes also. To make a long story short, I had the right of way, and he decides to "speed up" hoping to force me out of my rightful position. When I don't flinch, he let's up and bestows on me a gesture indicative of his disapproval; keep in mind, I had the right of way. Now, here is the advice: If you are going to get all pissy, flick people off, whatever, be willing to back it up. After his rude gesture, I motioned for him to pull over so we could discuss my obvious stupidity. He was not up for that. That being said,I'm so goddamned sick of motherfuckers who want to be a badass until shit hits the fan and then pretend like they don't know what is going on. Don't pull up next to me, flick me off, and not have the nuts to look me in the face. Also, don't slow down until I'm about to exit THEN speed up, flick me off, and "call me out." You not only lack integrity, but you are a coward. If you think I'm being redneck, then don't read my fucking blog because I care neither for you or your opinion. See ya on the road!

Marriage kills and other assorted facts of life

2006-11-16T11:21:00.000-05:00

I read this article about men's health and some (supposed) factors that contribute to life expectancy and good health overall. What a load of shite. Anyone who suggests that married men and men with children live longer lives is full o' crap. Come on, this one is easy. Think about it. No fucking way marriage or kids make you live longer. Think of the added stress of a wife. Oh yeah, all that nagging and bitching surely will make you live a more stress free life . Children screaming, crying, whining, all seem like a wonderful idea for good health and prolonged life. Hell, you might as well take a job on an Alaskan crab fishing boat. Seafood is good for you, right? Don't worry about falling overboard and fucking dying. Data suggests fish is healthy. You should be fine. Anyone with half a brain knows that marriage and children increase stress and stress creates many a health problem. Look at every President of the United States. Regardless of your political leanings, it's obvious that enduring heavy amounts of stress prematurely age men. Clinton and Bush are the most recent and glaring examples. If you ever see a side by side picture of P.o.t.U.S.'s when they enter office and when they leave the change is staggering. Healthy, vigorous looking men leave the highest office looking older, weaker, and just plain worn out. The same thing happens when you wife bitches about the garbage, the car, the house/condo/apartment, work, money, your brat kids, bringing home strippers for threesomes,chores for you instead of watching some sporting event, visiting relatives you dislike, etc., etc. They are wearing you down! Get out now! The cat is out of the bag: your wife and kids are killing you slowly. I suggest a guys trip to Vegas, but your wife will probably say no. Pussy.

Make your Carpet match the Drapes

2006-11-15T22:30:00.000-05:00

This is such an awesome idea. These chicks started selling hair dye for the hair pie. Nice. All the basic colors are covered but nothing outrageous. I want some more vibrant punk rock color options for the cooter. I should email the company.

Three Dead After Truck Hits Mule-Drawn Carriage

2006-11-12T17:51:00.000-05:00

I'll give you one damned guess which state this happened in.

Happy Birthday Jarheads

2006-11-10T10:58:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to the United States Marine Corps! Hooah! Two hundred and thirty one years of protecting and defending the best country on earth. Thank you. Semper Fidelis.

God must hate you

2006-11-09T12:55:00.000-05:00

All my christian brothers and sisters may want to skip this and move along, nothing for you to see here. I don't have anything against christians or christianity, some of my favorite people in the world pray to the man in the sky, but dumb is dumb. This is a wonderful story about snake handling. Some people believe that you can handle serpents without being bitten because the lord will protect the "true believers". I guess this woman didn't believe enough, or God hates her. Either way it's a dumbass way to die. More oxygen for me moron.

2006-11-05T17:58:00.000-05:00

I"ll be fucking damned. I forgot my password so I will leave my rant on this asshole's blogspace. The Bulldogs are lucky we aren't in the United Kingdom. If we were, those lolly-gagging son of a bitches would have an asswhooping waiting for them from the entire village. I'd be okay with a fucking rebuilding year...MAYBE two, but at least beat Vanderbilt at homecoming and Kentucky PERIOD. Fuck you Joe Tereshinski, if you had a hair on your ass, you would have put some dirt on your knee, played the rest of the season and maybe helped your team. You obviously did not sign a committment form. Fuck you. Fuck you Mohammad the receiver...fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck the damned Falcons too. Fuck Fuck Fuck. Shit Fuck Ass Dick. Fuck Fuck Fuck.

Your car stinks

2006-11-05T01:04:00.000-05:00

In my job working for an auto repair shop I drive a lot of people’s cars, and let me tell you something: your car stinks. That’s right, there’s a pretty good chance you car fucking stinks. Most people either don’t realize their car stinks or they have gotten used to the smell and think it must be normal for your car to stink like a wet motherfucking dog or baby vomit or fat lady underarm or whatever that funky ass smell is. That shit ain’t normal.

If you have pets (especially dogs) and regularly transport them in your car/truck/suv and you don’t vacuum out the vehicle regularly to keep the hair (and consequently the smell) under control, then your car definitely fucking stinks.

If you have children and you ever put them in your car, then your car fucking stinks. Kids are the death knell for a car that doesn’t stink. Having these parasites in you car means you absorb all the smells that go along with them. Diapers, food, spilled drinks, various creams and lotions,
and whothefuck knows what else.

Food. Dude, everybody eats in their car at one time or another. But if you spill the french fries while driving down the road, at least try to clean it up when you stop. Hell, as long as you don’t wait two weeks you should be fine.

On the flip side are people who overcompensate for their stink and buy four vanilla air fresheners or the strongest smelling incense hippy sonofabitch air freshener. Does anyone really want their car to smell like a convenience store? Lay off that shit. Damn.

Not sure if your car stinks? Try this. Park your car with all the windows up for a couple of hours. Find a friend who doesn’t regularly ride in your car and ask them to get in the car and give you their immediate first impression. I bet it stinks. Everybody's car is different and they all smell different. There is hope. Febreeze is your friend. Extreme cases of car stink should be handled by a stink professional at a quality car detail shop. Don't be the stinky kid, asshole.

Lollygaggers

2006-11-04T18:30:00.000-05:00

Well La-Dee-Freaking Da. Sonofabitch! The Wildcats? UGA lost to the fucking Wildcats! No one should have to listen to a fucking University of Kentucky fan gloat about football! That's not how the world is supposed to work. Fucking lollygaggers. What has happened to the universe? The end must be motherfucking near, and this is officially a rebuilding year.

Blogs Defined

2006-11-03T11:43:00.000-05:00

After reading a few of the collected paragraphs that my local newspaper's website has labeled blogs, I had to wonder: who are they fucking kidding? Those are some of the worst fucking excuses for a blog in history. JesusHenryChrist. I hope they don't pay these fucktards. These can't really be considered blogs at all. They all have the same template: boring ass brainless comment about said subject followed by several idiotic questions for the readers. How lazy is that? Throwing out questions and waiting for others to comment is such a cop out. You might as well be one of those overrated bloggers with open threads all day long.They have a jackass for every occasion and every mind numbingly boring subject too. The 'garden blog', the 'political blog', the 'sports blog', the 'women with no fucking brains and nothing interesting to say' blog, the 'I can't find a man because I'm an annoying pretentious bitch' blog, the 'crappy nonsensical, artistic movie critic' blog, the 'completely emasculated man's guide to antiquing' blog, and so on and so on. The worst part is how many asshats read this crap. There are so many good blogs out there tackling a huge array of subjects that I hate to think people are wasting their time reading the worst, bottom of the barrel shit put out by a horrible major newspaper. Unfortunately the readership seems to be large (and stupid) as evidenced by the reader responses. Holy bumbling, incoherent, moronic feedback Batman. People suck. Reading the dumbass, poorly constructed thoughts of my fellow Americans is sad. It's all part of the dumbing down of society. One day, in the near future, hospitals will just give parents a helmet with every newborn child because we are headed for a fucktard nation. There is plenty of good stuff to read out there regardless of your interests or reasons for reading. Don't be one of those people. Wake up.

Kneel before your new champion

2006-10-30T18:19:00.000-05:00

Nicky Hayden! Yes! The newly crowned 2006 MotoGP World Champion Nicky Hayden is an American and he rides a Honda. Nothing could be finer. Life is good, and Nicky is officially the best. Follow the leader, he's American and he's on a Honda.
Eat it Italy.

Fingers Crossed

2006-10-28T12:30:00.000-04:00

Web rage? What the fuck. Why does everything need to have rage attached to it? If someone beats the crap out of another person of course there was rage involved. Why does one victim deserve more or less justice for the crime perpetrator than another victim because of the criminal's motivation? Because someone is a minority or because a cute little label has altered the crime's description more sentencing is needed? Murder, assault, mayhem, or any violent crime does not have the outcome altered by segregating the victims and labeling identical crimes differently based on feelings or motivation. This dude got beat the fuck up. So, punish the criminal the same as if he beat up someone because they called him an asshole, or he didn't like their race, religion, sexual orientation, or whatever. The lesson to be learned here is keep plenty of friends around if you plan on insulting people online who may be able to track you down. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Come on over. Make sure you don't bring a knife to my gunfight.

Repulsive

2006-10-28T12:07:00.000-04:00

I have never been one to suffer fools and I certainly don't mince words when it comes to my opinions. I like to call shit like it is and frequently say that the truth hurts, get over it. I hate political correctness because being p.c. means being full of shit and sugarcoating the facts to make someone else feel better. Fuck that. If you want someone to make you feel better call your mom or buy a dog. This story pisses me off on so many levels. This bag of fuck killed her child and took a fucking smoke break while an emergency operator gave her cpr instructions for her dying son. The autopsy found the child had many illegal drugs in his bloodstream. Then the court has the gall to protect her privacy by not releasing her name. Fuck that shit. Everyone should know what this piece of shit did before they publicly execute her in the town square. Why keep her alive? Seriously, is there one fucking reason for her to live? Is society better having someone like this sharing our oxygen? No. Put her down like a rabid animal because she isn't fit to live on the same planet as me.

Steve will CRUSH you

2006-10-26T18:54:00.000-04:00

This is a very interesting story. So some hacker genius kid has cracked the i-tunes code that prohibits sharing your shit with other mp3 players and thinks he can sell his pirate hack. These people,the kid and the companies involved, think Steve Jobs is gonna let that shit stand? Have you lost your fucking minds? Ummm, yeah maybe they won't do anything. That fucking i-pod isn't that popular, is it? They probably don't have teams of badass lawyers. How can smart people be that stupid? Maybe its all a publicity ploy, or maybe its just that people in California have become so fucking socialist they don't recognize U.S. law anymore.

Geriatric Ass Whoopin'

2006-10-26T18:51:00.000-04:00

Yes! This 70 year old former British soldier kicked the shit out of some jackasses who picked the wrong old man to mug. Awesome.

Wake up America

2006-10-21T16:26:00.000-04:00

I'm glad some people are outraged. Let's step up to 'pissed the fuck off'. Communist News Network regularly shows its commitment to the troops. Why should the U.S. government help those fuckers commit borderline treason?

Proud Parents

2006-10-21T09:03:00.000-04:00

The always funny Dave from Garfield Ridge had this posted on his site. Not only is it hilarious but it makes a sad commentary on the state of our educational system. Most people would agree that we have some problems with the government school system, unless you are a teacher or work for a government school, of course. Georgia has ranked near the very bottom of academic performance for years and I hate the stigma that goes with the poor showings.

The south already has an image of a bunch of dumbass rednecks driving around in pickups with gun racks in the back windows, spitting tobacco juice out the window, listening to Hank Jr., and spewing racial epithets in between the y'all's and aints that come from our mouths half filled with yellow stained teeth. I hate that image. Anyone who has visited the south knows that except for the really rural areas, the south doesn't fit that negative stereotype. I am proud to be southern and proud to be a smart, funny, well read, well informed, fairly moral, well mannered, mostly polite, decent, caring southern gentlemen (who sometimes curses way too much). I still keep one eye on the carpetbaggers, but we mostly let them stay.

There is some good news for the south. I read this article about Arizona being rated the dumbest of all the states. Georgia was 41. Not a great showing, but morons can't be too picky, I guess. The truly awesome part of all this is the story I read immediately after finding out how fucking dumb Arizonans children are; that gem is here. Boy, that doesn't help. That must be some proud parents. Congratulations, your kid is a retee. I'm glad those people don't live in the south.

I suggest a bolt gun. The tale of two dirtbags.

2006-10-19T22:34:00.000-04:00

Why does our society put up with crap like this? If you're gonna fucking kill someone, why the fuck does it matter what their fucking opinion is anyway? Of course the murderer doesn't think he should be executed. What the fuck happened to justice? The dirtbag was convicted, just carry out the fucking sentence. Jesus Henry fucking Christ. This world is fucked. I don't understand why we can't just execute people the same way we do cows. With a motherfucking bolt gun. That's right. It's way cheaper than any other methods currently used. I know if it will kill cows, bulls and horses it will kill convicts. People don't have the stomach for that kind of shit anymore. We endlessly debate and let murderers linger in prison for years appealing every imaginable part of the trial. Get the fuck on with it, and let everyone involved who didn't commit murder go on with their lives. Some people believe that no one person's life is worth more than another's life. I bet most people who have lost relatives or loved ones to violent crimes have a different outlook.

Now this asshole did everyone a favor. Thanks jackass. You finally made a good decision. Now burn in fucking hell. *

*I just like that way that sounds. As an agnostic, I don't really believe in Hell, but 'burn in uncertainty' doesn't sound as commanding.*

Make with the funny

2006-10-19T22:27:00.000-04:00

I came across this funny cartoon about a problem most women share. I only know one precious female who wouldn't do this. Women do tend to pick the most inconvienent time to start talking and bug the shit out of you.

Weekend Addendum

2006-10-14T20:14:00.000-04:00

As an addendum to my Friday writing...I'm not sorry. All of you can eat shit, throw it up, then eat it again. Seriously. Also, I don't vote anymore...because...I think it is insulting to have to pick between the fattest, most dishonest, vile piece of filth that our country can find to "represent" them while fucking all of us without, in to quote Full Metal Jacket, "the common decency of a reach around." Have a shitty weekend, a shitty day, and a fucked up life. Good luck to the fat fuck that wins in November.

Politcal Scum

2006-10-14T10:53:00.000-04:00

Let's talk about some real shitbags. Politicians. I don't care what your political affiliation or leanings, politicians are worthless scum of the fucking earth. Here are a couple of examples. Bill Frist is the senate majority leader. He sucks. Harry Reid is the senate minority leader. He swallows. It is almost time for an armed (or one armed) revolt. Both of these fucks think you are stupid. They both think they know what is best for you and they think the rules don't apply to politicians. Are they better than you? Do something. Call, write, email, these fucks and let them know you are watching and you vote. If you don't vote, then you fail yourself and your country. Move to Mexico, you fucking commie pinko motherfucker. I can't stand people that bitch about politics and don't vote. Unless you are some kind of fucking ignorant kool-aid drinking asshole, then you can stay at home and eat cheetos and watch judge judy in your own filth. Leave the voting to the informed people. That kind of leaves most of you dems in limbo, huh?

Well, allow Prince Valiant to retort

2006-10-13T19:39:00.000-04:00

Apparently someone isn't going down without a fight. Good ol' John Mason has shown some fire and filed him a countersuit against the bug-eyed bitch. Right on. He should sue her for double the amount she asked for. I'm glad to see he's not gonna roll over.

I like the way the dumbass reporters keep mentioning the fact that she had to mow the lawn at some government buildings. What the fuck does that matter? Seriously, where did that shit come from? Why even mention that? Like that is some horrible fucking punishment? They made her do something that most kids in the suburbs have to do until they move out(some longer than that) and some people make a very nice living mowing lawns. If I were a judge I would have put her in front of a rickshaw and made her pull the fat ass mayor around all fucking week. She's a runner, it would test her endurance, she might like it. Except for people taking pictures and hounding you with stupid fucking questions non-fucking-stop. Lucky for her I'm not a judge (well, not officially).

DO NOT read this.

2006-10-13T12:59:00.000-04:00

Good Friday to you all. You can all go to hell.

I will go ahead and state up front that I have the utmost respect for the men and women who serve in the armed forces of the United States. They deserve our respect. That being said, I have noticed as time has gong on, just how full of shit former Army soldiers are. With very few exceptions, I haven't experienced this with ex Marine, Navy, or Air Force personnel. Why is this? Almost without exception, an ex-Army will brag about "training with Special Forces" or about every thing they have fucked or what they did. Today in class, an ex-Army woman was raising hell about a massacre in Vietnam that she felt was not accurately portrayed in a book we were reading. The point of the book was NOT the massacre,but how events in history are portrayed in cinema. I wanted to give her the "palm"--a secret move that the army teaches you in special foreces (you COPS fans will understand the reference, if not, then you should die.)Which reminds me, I hope she...hell I won't say it. I will say though,if my face looked like my neck took a shit, I would not try too attract attention to myself by being such an insipient pedant. Have a shitty weekend--you all fucking suck. Sorry, I'm having a bad day.

The Cat is Back

2006-10-12T20:46:00.000-04:00

This story is awesome. I love it. The world needs more justice like this. The world is too politically correct and society has become soft. There is no reason to spend time and research on more compassionate ways to punish violent offenders. What ever happened to a good old hanging in the town square? I know all about that 'cruel and unusual punishment' part of the eighth amendment but can hanging really be any more cruel than the eclectric chair, gas chamber, or lethal injection? They all accomplish the same fucking goal. D-E-D, Dead. So, I say bring back the Cat.

RUI and the witches of Gwinnett

2006-10-11T11:59:00.000-04:00

Aww, shit. Why does this kind of crap have to happen here? Does Georgia really need this kind of exposure? Last week it was the crazy batshit woman who wanted to ban Harry Potter books from libraries and she never even read the fucking books. She claimed the books were evil, promoted witchcraft and children couldn't tell the difference between reality and fantasy. Um, maybe your kids can't tell the difference because their mom is nuttier than squirrel shit. Damn. I need to move.

A story to warm the heart

2006-10-11T09:24:00.000-04:00

I really enjoy stories like this. Warms my heart and makes me jealous of the 14 year old kid. Damn.

Hat tip to boortz.

Death Pools and Character Actors

2006-10-10T20:14:00.000-04:00

It is nice to receive a comment on my writing. I always encourage feedback, negative or positive, that is either constructive, non-constructive. or destructive. In an effort to promote feedback and participation, I offer two topics: Death Pools and Character Actors.

The first topic is especially dear to me. For the past year or so, I have put a lot of effort into my spiritual life. Yes, my spiritual life. I will not proselytize but I must say that I do believe in a greater being other than Sean and that has helped to guide my moral values. That being said, hanging out with Sean really tests the limits of my struggle against moral turpitude. Its not that we steal, kill cats, or spit in peoples' faces (well,usually not), its that what we find humorous is sometimes suspect and is,therefore, in need of "monitoring". The subject of the death pool came up as we were watching a sporting event in which a commentator who will remain nameless is currently battling a particularly deadly illness. The subject of death came up, a few names were thrown around about who would die first. I put my bet on the commentator. Now, my question is this: Am I going to hell? Please let me know.

Secondly, I am always asking Sean about various character actors that are on t.v. I think of Bernie Koppel and Robert Vaughn. These guys are not "no names" nor are they really famous. Did they have to play a certain number of "badguy" roles to gain the stature that they enjoy? I admit this is not the most exciting topic; in fact, it rather sucks. But I tell you what else I think sucks: people who read blogs and don't offer responses. So please, let's hear it.

Bug Eyes, Prince Valiant, and J.C.

2006-10-10T11:46:00.000-04:00

I guess I can't avoid this. People have sent me links to this story from as far away as Alaska, and California this morning. Being the blogging authority for Duluth, Georgia I guess it's falls upon me to satirize, mock, ridicule, and maybe make sense of the latest installment of this overblown and embarrassing piece of local history.

The crazy bug-eyed bitch is back. First, let's get something straight. This chick is not from Duluth. Not that it's a huge source of civic pride, but I don't like people saying she's from my hometown because, well because, fuck her that's why. She was just living with her fiance in Duluth and trust me people here no longer care if she ever comes back.

She's a money hungry, lying whore. She's suing her former fiance John Mason (I'll get to him) for 500,000 dollars. Since the couple sold the rights to their story for 500,000 dollars, it's easy to conclude that half of that money should be hers. She's going to need that money to move out of state in order to find any man that would spend more than 30 minutes with her because she's fucking crazy. Most men don't want crazy, that's why women try to hide it until after they get married. The other 250,000 is punitive damages for alleged abuse of her power of attorney. What the fuck is that shit? This may explain some issues in the relationship, because this bag o'cunts has some fucking balls. With all the shit this bitch pulled and she wants punitive damages? That's some fuckin nerve.

John Mason. Prince Valiant haircut. Wow. Where to start. I know John Mason. We are not close but I have known him and his family for most of my life. I like John and he is a good person. During the whole overblown ordeal, I never believed John had any involvement in whatever happened to bug eyes. I spoke out in defense of John with numerous people who only knew what they had seen on the news reports. I knew his character and not having spent more that 5 minutes with the guy in close to 15 years didn't change my mind. But that doesn't mean I think he's innocent in this little affair.

This chick has some problems upstairs and he should have better fucking known better. The first clue for any man should have been her aftermarket, bolt-on, store bought tits. Dude, come the fuck on. Everybody saw that set of upgrades. Follow me for a minute here. Chicks with fake tits like to fuck. Don't question me, just pay attention. Women don't get fake breasts for any other reason than to get men. That's it. Some women may give you some other bullshit answer, but it all comes back to men and sex. Most chicks don't even like tits. I know, weird.

So, John goes to college and parties like only a SEC university can. After college he wants to settle down and meets ole bug eyes. For some fucking reason, the idiot doesn't notice all barbie dolls laying around missing heads or the drawings of unicorns slaughtered in fields of purple grass with midgets dancing everywhere, he decides to propose marriage to the crazy bitch(some of this may be embellished slightly). Now this is what bug eyes wants but there is one little problem. John, after college, has decided to abstain from sex until marriage. Yeah, for real. He's become a born again virgin. I don't know how, but I'm sure it includes a fake drowning or some kind of washing. Christians like that kind of stuff. That's right, part of this is jesus' fault. Well, maybe not him personally, but some of his peeps. So, remember the tits? Yeah, ol' bug eyes likes to fuck. This could be a problem for Jen and her Jackrabbit. So off she goes to Las Vegas.

Ahh, Sin City. I love it. Why pick Vegas? Did she gamble? Did she go see a show? What else could Vegas be known for? How about a last minute fuck to tide you over. Yeah. Ole bug eyes went to Vegas to get buggered, rogered, pumped, slammed, just plain laid. So, John is partly to blame for this whole situation (and jesus). John should have been giving her what she needed (and j.c. should have butted out). Of course, he wound up with a fair amount of cash and he got to be on Sean Hannity's show. Not too shabby. Most dudes have to change the locks and their phone numbers. I wonder if he at least did the motorboat?

Lucky s.o.b.

2006-10-09T20:29:00.000-04:00

This lucky sonofabitch. Why couldn't I have been the concealed weapon permit holder who gets to shoot a dirtbag in self defense? Some people have all the luck.

Salutations

2006-10-09T20:02:00.001-04:00

Okay, I am going to start with what you won't read from me. I don't make fun of retarded children. I will hopefully be a dad someday and despite what my distinguished colleague has advised me, I do believe that making fun of retarded children does, in fact, increase my chances of siring a retarded child. Not only do I not want a retarded child, but I also do not want the extra burden of that comes with it: specialized equipment, pretending to be proud that it only took 5 minutes to run the 50-yard dash; you understand. With that being said, I bid you goodnight.

Scarlett ruined

2006-10-09T15:13:00.000-04:00

I would have never believed that anyone could make Scarlett Johansson look plain and boring. But, it has been done. Apparently the idiots at esquire magazine thought it would be a great idea to pick some artsy-fartsy type photographer whose main medium is ducks and waterfalls to take pictures of the woman deemed by their mag as "sexiest woman alive' (like there were a bunch of dead bitches in the running somewhere). This should have been a hard assignment to fuck up.Here's an incredibly beautiful woman and all you have to do is dress her up and take some snapshots. Half the pictures (that I have seen here) don't even show her face. What the fuck? Don't cover her face, moron. Besides the angelic face, this woman has a smoking body and not taking full advantage of the wonderful gifts that were presented should get this asshole fired for gross incompetence. This photographer must be gay not to notice everything this woman has going for her. These pictures couldn't get Ron Jeremy hard, and he will fuck anything. What kind of male base does esquire strive for anyway? I don't know anyone who reads that crap, so I guess it must be marketed to those douchebags that wax their eyebrows, get pedicures, drive bmw's, and drink wine with dinner. Those people are called 'metrosexuals' and they are ruining shit for real men who like sexy, curvy women. With boobs. We really like boobs.

Welcome children

2006-10-08T22:50:00.000-04:00

The first real post at the new blog home. I have been considering starting a blog for a few months. I tried a few posts on my Myspace page and enjoyed the ranting and raving, the ridiculing and skewering of dumbasses, the wonderful release that is blogging. Being the procrastinator and realist that I am, I thought I could use some help keeping posting more frequent and offer some different perspective on life's goings on. Currently there are three assholes here, but that could change at any moment as we test the waters (and each other) with this new venture. My new cohorts should introduce themselves soon. I will probably be ranting as usual but extending the subject base to include many more things that irritate the shit out of me and deserve my ridicule and scorn. Of course, I will also continue to advise the more mentally deficient members of society who keep fucking up the rotation and anything else that strikes my fancy. Eat it whores.